i grew up in a peaceful household.
as i sit here listening to the waves, watching the sunrise, and enjoying an amazing cup of coffee, i realize that my peace is not something i will ever compromise.
my nervous system is balanced and stable. when we have a regulated nervous system, it allows us, especially as women, to step into our full power and creativity. when we can tap into our creativity, we create more opportunities to become sovereign, autonomous, independent, and self-sufficient.
i share this because so many people grew up in households that looked beautiful on the outside but, behind closed doors, were incredibly toxic. they may have seemed like a beautiful couple or a family with money, yet there may have been overwhelming debt, constant fighting, infidelity, verbal abuse, physical violence, or years of neglected emotional needs.
i didn’t grow up in an environment of illusions.
because of that, there is no part of me that wants to tolerate illusions or settle simply for company, companionship, or sexual desire.
it’s funny because, given what i do for a living, some people assume i’m willing to be promiscuous or participate in third-party relationships.
let me emphasize that i am not against people who are in open relationships, third-party relationships, polyamorous relationships, or polygamous relationships. i believe everyone should have the freedom to choose the type of romantic relationship they want, as long as everyone involved is in agreement.
however, i have no desire to share a partner.
could that change someday? maybe.
but there is no way i would sacrifice my peace or settle for crumbs.
even in those cases, the sex would have to be mind-blowing, or there would have to be some type of equal exchange when it came to finances, peace, and security.
people are often confused, or even intimidated, by a woman who intentionally chooses to remain single. unfortunately, there are many women who don’t have enough self-love or belief in themselves, or maybe they were simply raised to believe they need a man to validate their existence. there are many reasons for this, and this isn’t a judgment. it’s simply an observation based on my personal experiences.
when people ask why i choose to be alone, they assume i’m lonely.
enjoying my own company is not the same thing as being lonely.
and even if someone is lonely, that doesn’t automatically mean they need to be in a romantic relationship.
so i come back to how i was raised.
if my benchmark and baseline have always been peace and harmony, why would anyone think i would settle for a toxic entanglement or engagement?
i know it happens.
i’m just not one of those women.
this message is for anyone, but especially women who may have grown up with unhealthy examples of partnership.
today, take some time for yourself. sit in silence with your thoughts and ask yourself:
what am i sacrificing for my peace?
what is dysregulating my nervous system?
how is that paying off for me?
how is it affecting my ability to become self-sufficient and independent?
being self-sufficient and independent has nothing to do with not wanting a relationship. it simply means that if something goes wrong, you are not forced to remain because you rely on someone else for emotional validation or financial security.
and for everyone observing someone who is content being alone, please stop assuming they are sad, depressed, needy, or lonely.
history has told us that lie.
patriarchy has reinforced that lie.
i invite you to research empires, tribes, and cultures led by powerful women. many of those stories have intentionally been removed from history books.
on my mother’s side of the family, the indigenous people we come from, like many others, are matriarchal, meaning power and wealth come through the mother’s side of the family.
being in a romantic partnership can be a beautiful experience. i’ve been in many healthy relationships.
however, when the relationship becomes unhealthy or toxic, i leave.
i’m also known for attracting men who are drawn to my independence, what some would call my mysteriousness, and what others describe as my extreme solitude.
the interesting part is that i don’t think those qualities are actually what they want.
they’re simply drawn to something that’s different.
many aren’t even able to identify or articulate why they’re attracted to me. some even believe they can take advantage of me.
when i was in my twenties and thirties and introduced the men i was dating to my mother, she would always tell them, and i quote,
“do not try to tame her.”
at first, i didn’t understand what she meant.
as i got older, i became fully aware that many men have been conditioned to tame things, the same way people tame animals.
it’s uncommon for them to meet a wild woman.
and by wild, i don’t mean someone who parties or is promiscuous.
i mean a woman who is self-assured, independent, and fully herself.
that awareness never stopped me from wanting relationships.
it simply changed the boundaries i communicated.
i would tell them, “i’ll enter this relationship with you, but you have one year.”
usually, i was the one adapting to their world.
i gave them one year to decide whether they were going to remain stagnant or actually pursue the life they said they wanted. whether that meant becoming self-employed, earning more money, traveling, or making another meaningful change, the details were different for each person.
but the timeline never changed.
not once has someone reached that one-year mark having prepared to make those changes.
then they’re surprised when i move on and walk away without looking back.
i find that both entertaining and disappointing.
entertaining because i don’t know if they simply weren’t paying attention.
disappointing because i don’t know if they didn’t believe me, didn’t take me seriously, or weren’t able to look at the history of my life and recognize that i meant exactly what i said.
i’m still not sure.
but i was serious every single time.
as i sit here today, listening to the waves and watching another sunrise, i am grateful for the life i live.
i worked very hard for it.
i’m also aware that some people may envy it.
at the same time, many people are simply unwilling to walk away from unhealthy situations soon enough to create a life where they can wake up in peace, listen to the waves, watch the sunrise, and realize that nothing is worth sacrificing a regulated nervous system.