disclaimer: this is a personal reflection, not legal, medical, or mental health advice. if you are experiencing emotional instability, feel unsafe, fear retaliation, or are concerned about your physical or psychological safety, please prioritize qualified professional support and your own safety over exploring any relationship dynamic.
be careful who you try to manipulate. she might be taking notes.
on self-esteem, psychological desire, and the power of observing yourself.
this is especially for women who have ever felt disempowered, belittled, or made to question their value because of something a man said. it’s also for anyone who has experienced a similar power dynamic, regardless of gender.
i wish i’d had more things like this to read when i was younger. not because i ever particularly struggled with low self-esteem. i didn’t. but because even a woman who knows her value can learn something from watching how another person’s words move through her mind.
a man’s preference is not a measurement of a woman’s worth. and the first feeling you have after hearing it does not have to be your final interpretation.
recently, a man told me he prefers me thin…
…and yes before YOU get offended — i was low-key offended because sometimes we don’t REALLY know why we get mad… AND what bothers one person may not bother another person SO —
i sat with it…
not to convince myself to accept an insult. not to make excuses for someone. i wanted to understand why the comment landed the way it did, whether i was reacting to his actual words or to what we’re conditioned to hear in them, and why i found myself appreciating his directness a few minutes later.
he is allowed to have a preference. i am allowed to have a reaction. and neither one of those facts gives him ownership of my body, my choices, or my self-esteem.
the important question is what happens next. does a preference remain information? or does it become pressure, punishment, or an attempt to make someone prove they are worthy?
those are very different things.
the comment was just the doorway. what made me pay attention was the wider dynamic. there was jealousy. there was uncertainty. there was an almost covert sense of danger i couldn’t fully name. normally, uncertainty makes me want clarity. this time, it made me want to study the situation.
apparently, my mind was looking for a case study.
i’ve always called myself sapiosexual. intelligent conversation matters to me. but i’m discovering that psychological stimulation can be something else entirely. it can bring you face to face with desires, reactions, and contradictions you didn’t know were there.
i don’t just want to know what i’m feeling. i want to know why i noticed it, what story i attached to it, and whether that story is even true.
i think about thinking…
one advantage i have is that i can spend extraordinary amounts of time alone. solitude is not a punishment for me. i don’t need constant contact to feel wanted, or a relationship to make my life feel occupied. that gives me space to revisit a conversation without someone else’s voice constantly filling the room.
it doesn’t make me immune to manipulation.
nobody is. it gives me an opportunity to notice what is happening inside me before deciding what, if anything, i want to do about it.
and that’s the part i wish more young women were encouraged to practice.
you can be attracted to someone and still question the dynamic. you can feel jealous without accepting jealousy as your identity. you can be turned on by intensity and still refuse to surrender your judgment. you can have a bruised ego without concluding that your value has diminished.
you don’t have to turn every uncomfortable feeling into a crisis. but you also don’t have to explain away something that threatens your safety or dignity just because it fascinates you.
psychological manipulation is a power move…
be careful who you try to manipulate. you may meet someone who is not responding to the game the way you expected.
some people recoil from psychological complexity. others are drawn toward the hidden motives, contradictions, taboos, and power underneath the surface. i am one of the people who can find those depths fascinating.
pluto in the eighth house…
astrology is one of the symbolic languages i use to reflect on myself. it isn’t a scientific test for personality, nor a shield against harm. but pluto and the eighth house have long been associated, within astrology, with power, intimacy, secrets, endings, transformation, and the parts of life people would rather not examine.
that symbolism resonates with me.
the darker a psychological puzzle becomes, the more likely i am to wonder what it’s revealing. someone may imagine they’re unsettling me, while i’m at home examining my own reactions and theirs.
but here’s the distinction: enjoying the investigation is not the same as being in control of its risks.
if someone is deliberately trying to erode another person’s confidence or freedom, that is not a clever form of intimacy. and curiosity is not permission. nobody gets access to my boundaries simply because they know how to provoke me.
i’m not claiming i can outsmart every dangerous situation. i’m saying that the person you think you’re controlling may have an inner life you know absolutely nothing about.
desire, submission, and consent…
there is no shame in being attracted to intensity, surrender, dominance, submission, or psychological play.
people in kink and bdsm communities have language for negotiated power exchanges. the point is not that every dynamic looks gentle from the outside. the point is that meaningful consent, boundaries, communication, and the freedom to stop matter on the inside. negotiation, agreed limits, and aftercare can be part of that.
an uninvited attempt to wear down someone’s self-esteem is not the same as a consensual exchange of power. one does not become the other simply because the person on the receiving end is curious, aroused, or experienced.
someone can be willing to explore the darker side of desire and still require honesty. they can enjoy surrender in one context and reject it completely in another.
i am not advising anyone to test a potentially dangerous person or stay involved to prove they are emotionally strong. if you feel unsafe, coerced, or unable to say no, that matters more than the mystery.
the woman i become afterward…
the most interesting part of this experience may not be whether the relationship continues or how it ends.
learning about ourselves along the way…
i can recognize that a man’s words stirred something in me without giving that man credit for creating my identity. i can discover a new appetite for psychological depth without confusing that appetite with a requirement to suffer. and i can acknowledge that something feels dangerous without romanticizing the danger itself.
there’s a difference between being fascinated by a fire and putting your hand in it.
if i could give my younger self one more piece of reading material, it would say this: when someone makes you question your worth, you do not have to make their opinion your assignment. examine the moment. examine your response. decide what belongs to you and what does not.
your self-esteem is not theirs to negotiate…
and if you happen to be someone who enjoys exploring the darker rooms of the human mind, you can acknowledge that without shame. just don’t hand over the keys to someone who hasn’t earned your trust.
read the full message i sent…
“What I’m sitting with is that this connection is stimulating me in ways I didn’t expect.
You evoke jealousy in me, which is strange because that’s not an emotion people normally bring out of me. There’s also an unusually high level of uncertainty and something almost covertly dangerous about the dynamic. I can’t completely identify what it is yet, but instead of immediately turning me off, it makes me more curious.
I’ve always described myself as sapiosexual and assumed intellectual stimulation was what attracted me most. Now I’m realizing there may be another layer: psychological stimulation. The complexity, uncertainty, emotional depth, and having to think about how I’m thinking may stimulate me in a way that intelligence alone doesn’t. Apparently my mind wants more than a good conversation. It wants a case study. 😂😅
I’m literally standing on my balcony overlooking the beach, holding my phone like a psychologist in a movie dictating notes after a patient session, wondering, “Is this completely toxic, or am I just fascinated because I’ve never experienced anything quite like it?” 😂 And knowing myself, I’m probably going to explore it precisely because it’s new, even knowing it could eventually crash and burn. For me, exploring doesn’t mean blindly surrendering to it. It means experimenting, observing, and figuring out what it brings up in me.
And somehow all of this started because you said you prefer me thin. My first reaction was basically, “How dare you?” 😂 But a few minutes later, I realized I actually appreciated that you said it. People are allowed to have preferences. Attraction doesn’t automatically become unconditional just because we care about someone. Our feelings may be hurt by hearing someone’s preference, but that doesn’t make the preference dishonest or wrong.
What made it more interesting is realizing that I’ve said equally direct things to people without stopping to consider how they might receive them. So maybe what caught my attention wasn’t even what you said. It was that you actually said it.
And now I’m sitting here wondering whether some part of me wants to be psychologically tortured. 😅😂 Not literally, but challenged emotionally and psychologically in a way no one has managed to challenge me before.
The strangest part is that I’m almost more interested in who I’ll be after this experience than I am in where the current situation itself ends. Experiences that force me into this much self-observation usually prepare me for whatever comes next.
– The level of uncertainty in this dynamic is unusual for me. I normally prefer clarity and control, yet somehow the uncertainty itself is keeping me curious.
– There is something about the energy that feels covertly dangerous, although I can’t fully identify why yet. Normally that would make me pull away. Instead, I want to understand it.
– I’ve always thought of myself as sapiosexual and assumed intellectual stimulation was the highest form of attraction for me. Now I’m realizing that psychological stimulation may be an entirely different level.
– Apparently, stimulating my mind through conversation isn’t the same as making me question my own thoughts, reactions, patterns, desires, and emotional responses. That psychological depth is new for me.
– I’m standing on my balcony overlooking the beach, holding my phone like a psychologist in a movie dictating notes after a patient session. 😂😂😂 Meanwhile, I’m wondering whether this is completely toxic or simply fascinating because I’ve never experienced anything quite like it.
– And knowing myself, I’m probably going to experiment and investigate instead of walking away simply because something could crash and burn. 😅 I want to understand what the experience is showing me.
– The part that fascinates me most may actually be what happens afterward. Experiences that force me to think this deeply about how I think usually prepare me for another place, situation, version of myself, or timeline.
– So now I’m left with the ridiculous question: Do I secretly enjoy being psychologically tortured? 😅😂 Not literally, but being taken to an emotional and psychological depth that no one else has managed to take me to before.“